RAW and BRUTALLY HONEST...thoughts on depression, p2

"Choose for yourselves this day...

...whom you will serve...

...As for me and my house...

...we will serve the Lord.

Joshua 24:15 NKJV 

Of late, how many times has "choice" been part of conversations about most any topic one would want to discuss in American culture? We have "rights," right? (Yes, I meant to use the word twice...for emphasis...) We must exercise our basic right to choose, right? We can choose where to eat, what to eat (except in New York where you can't buy a large soda...oh, I forgot, folks kicked that to the curb because it did away with one's ability to choose.) We can choose our heath care...not...we can choose our religion and we can choose whether or not to murder a baby...so just leave me alone because I have the right to choose!

There IS one choice that we have for sure and the choice we make determines where we'll spend eternity. I think that trumps every other choice. A lot of folks believe in "free will" but I choose not to open that can of worms. All I’ll say about it is this, if you KNOW the facts about God’s will, revealed only in His Word and through His Spirit, does it make any sense to make choices without figuring out what His will is?

The point of my last post, (Thoughts on depression; part 1) was that God’s Word is that which helped me make choices that enabled me to function (survive) and even thrive in the very middle of depression. Had God not been faithful to teach me for the years, before the times of depression came, I can’t say what condition I would be in today. Again, though, He WAS faithful! His faithfulness allowed me to make the decision to follow Him and obey all that He had asked of me even though the days and weeks were often overcast with storm clouds. And btw, not only WAS He faithful, He IS faithful!

I will share briefly three issues that have, in part, been issues that have caused my depression. I have never talked about these in depth in any blog. Talking about them privately or in a very small group is one thing, but to be so brutally honest and gut wrenching raw is quite another. I only share them now, even at the risk of misunderstanding, because maybe someone else will be encouraged.

Crushing defeat –

I accepted the call to pastor my second church with an absolute assurance that I was in God’s perfect will. I think I could safely include most of those who made “the call” in those who also believed we were in God’s will. The weeks and months following my move seemed to confirm out choices. The church grew and we were able to expand our ministry outreach. We made plans to move from the churches’ original location for reasons that seemed to be right. Within a few months after our move, things began to change. After 3 years and 10 months the church closed.

I was devastated. On the advice of “friends” we gave up. The assets were liquidated and our state charter was canceled. I don’t suppose anyone who has not been a pastor and had a church which once thrived to collapse and close could understand the heartache and sense of defeat. I felt betrayed, misunderstood, and isolated.

Honestly, I have never fully recovered. I often feel embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. Oh, I know, I’ve heard all of the responses one could hear and I believe them. But, in spite of my sense of utter failure, I choose to press on and proclaim that which I know to be true – God’s Word.

Poor Health -

Over the years my health has declined. So much so, that unless the Lord would heal me (and I DO believe in Devine healing, I will never be able to pastor another church. I left my third and last church in 1995. I have prayed earnestly for one more chance to do that which I believed God called me. For 19 years I have prayed for one more chance…and now, at 58, it seems too late to be called to a church as pastor.

As I said, this is brutally honest and absolutely raw. I don’t allow comments on my blogs and I’m especially glad particularly for this post. Again, I’ve heard all the things that are meant to bring encouragement but sometimes folks feel obligated to say something…I’m not looking for any response. I hope no one feels obligated to offer sympathy! I just want to share my heart in hopes of helping others who have broken dreams.

What does one do when hopes and dreams are not only shattered, but broken into pieces and blown into the winds of time?

A dynamic faith in God and His Word is believed IN and acted ON regardless of whether great disappointment and illness sometimes sucks the hope of an abundant life away with fury

.

Financial issues –

Wrong career choices, poor health, and failure to plan effectively by looking somewhat further ahead can leave one in dire financial straits. When God’s will is sought in earnest about choices that affect not just vocation but ministry and one feels like they are without question, in God’s will, to have those choices backfire, one can feel like they’re in the middle of a crash and burn situation. When there is no end in sight to financial crises that threaten to suck the very joy of living out of our heart, what does one do? What can one do?

Because I have learned what the Bible says about what God requires in the stewardship of one’s finances, we choose to be faithful in tithing and giving of finances in accordance to Scripture. It doesn’t matter if God never sees fit to “bless us” in a way that I pray for…His Word directs us in our giving. Is there discouragement? Yes. I can testify that our “needs” seem to always be met. Are there still days when the pressure to find a way to do other things so that peace of mind would come in financial issues? Yes, without question.

As I said, because I made a choice a long time ago to believe in, trust, and obey the Bible, I press on believing that miracles do exist and that perhaps I will see one of them.

It’s all about choice. Regardless of what we feel, where we find ourselves or the troublesome storm that lies in the horizon we can end with where I started –

In God’s Word. NONE of His promises has ever failed!

Are you discouraged? So much so that you’re also depressed?

Learn God’s Word, so that a choice can be made.

He wants to use you even in the midst of what seems like darkness!

I made it through some tough times. I think I’m on the other side of it.

 The temptation to be hopeless has been set aside by my faith and trust in a faithful, loving, gracious, and merciful God! That IS hope!

Don't despair!