It can be tough when reality sets in...
A few days ago, on May 17, (2014) I pulled the plug on my website, thewindstorm.org. Today is May 23rd. It's taken me a few days to figure out exactly what I'm feeling about a lot of things. As of today, I am still not sure what I feel, but didn't want this blog to lie in "draft" mode forever.
My tri-annual web hosting fee was due on May 20th. I didn't have the money to renew it. I spent quite a number of days trying to find a way to pay the fee and keep my web site on line. I knew that it was an exercise in futility. After nearly fifteen years, and after coming to terms with the fact that, as far as I know, there was little or no impact made by having the site, it seemed that the wisdom that prevailed was to let it go.
The whole idea of Windstorm Ministries came during my first pastoral role. Sometime in 1985 the Lord opened doors for me to hold many different types of meetings in the Midwestern and Southern parts of the country. While sitting in the sanctuary of the church I led, and after praying for a biblical name for the ministry that I felt blessed with I ran across Acts 2:2.
"Suddenly, there was a sound from heaven like the roaring of a mighty windstorm, and it filled the house where they were sitting" (NLT).
That was it! I wanted the Lord to use me like a Windstorm - to see people's lives changed in, by, and through the Gospel. Throughout my ministry in Missouri from 1984 - 1988, I believed the Lord's blessing was on that ministry - that the "Windstorm" had just begun..
I moved back to Ohio in 1988. Nearly ten years passed before another sense of extraordinary ministry came. In 1998 I took the ministry on line. I've recounted the story so many times. I conducted an online Bible study ministry and by 2004 was sending close to 1800 Bible studies to young men all over the world.
Ten years later, there seems to be no visible evidence of any impact made during those early years. I am taking into account that "visible" could be an operative word. Just because I haven't seen anything in a long, long time that would indicate that I have a viable ministry doesn't mean that maybe...just maybe there have been fruit bearing events. I just don't know.
I had a minister spread the word once that "my" ministry wasn't viable. Perhaps he was right. It's been months, and now, actually, a few years since I've actually sensed God's work in my life. I DO rejoice however because He HAS taught me over the years and it seems He is still revealing Himself in His Word. Because of that, in spite of the depression and sense of hopelessness that I battle nearly everyday, I choose to act on what I believe to be true.
I realize how much of a pity - party this sounds like. I am involved in ministry. I don't want to minimize the things I do in the church that are done to further the cause of Christ. (My heart's desire IS to further the cause of Christ.) I also realize that trying to explain or describe the source of my discontent is almost impossible. People close to me; those who love me and have every intention of trying to be an encouragement seem to wonder why I struggle with depression and a sense of failure. They point to what they see as successful and fruitful ministry. Again, I don't mean to denigrate or minimize the ministry I've been involved in, it's just that there is, at this point in my life an overwhelming sense of loss and defeat.
Crushing financial bondage, debilitating physical illness, and a constant struggle with depression has left me numb. I seldom "feel" hopeful about my future. One who reads this post may wonder how it is that I am still involved in ministry. Each day, I choose to act on that which I really do believe to be true. I MUST, at the end of the day, confess that which Habakkuk did:
If the fig tree never blossoms; if the vines produce no fruit; if the stalls hold no cattle; if the olive tree is barren, and if there is no food in the field...yet I will rejoice in the Lord. When dreams fade away and one is forced by reality to seek a different way, those are hard, hard concepts to process. But because I DO believe and therefore proclaim that the Bible IS true and therefore the God of the Bible is who He says He is perhaps there is still hope that He would once again use me to bear much fruit. While the things I thought would come to pass have not perhaps there are things ahead that will be my deliverance from my sense of pervasive failure.
My tri-annual web hosting fee was due on May 20th. I didn't have the money to renew it. I spent quite a number of days trying to find a way to pay the fee and keep my web site on line. I knew that it was an exercise in futility. After nearly fifteen years, and after coming to terms with the fact that, as far as I know, there was little or no impact made by having the site, it seemed that the wisdom that prevailed was to let it go.
The whole idea of Windstorm Ministries came during my first pastoral role. Sometime in 1985 the Lord opened doors for me to hold many different types of meetings in the Midwestern and Southern parts of the country. While sitting in the sanctuary of the church I led, and after praying for a biblical name for the ministry that I felt blessed with I ran across Acts 2:2.
"Suddenly, there was a sound from heaven like the roaring of a mighty windstorm, and it filled the house where they were sitting" (NLT).
That was it! I wanted the Lord to use me like a Windstorm - to see people's lives changed in, by, and through the Gospel. Throughout my ministry in Missouri from 1984 - 1988, I believed the Lord's blessing was on that ministry - that the "Windstorm" had just begun..
I moved back to Ohio in 1988. Nearly ten years passed before another sense of extraordinary ministry came. In 1998 I took the ministry on line. I've recounted the story so many times. I conducted an online Bible study ministry and by 2004 was sending close to 1800 Bible studies to young men all over the world.
Ten years later, there seems to be no visible evidence of any impact made during those early years. I am taking into account that "visible" could be an operative word. Just because I haven't seen anything in a long, long time that would indicate that I have a viable ministry doesn't mean that maybe...just maybe there have been fruit bearing events. I just don't know.
I had a minister spread the word once that "my" ministry wasn't viable. Perhaps he was right. It's been months, and now, actually, a few years since I've actually sensed God's work in my life. I DO rejoice however because He HAS taught me over the years and it seems He is still revealing Himself in His Word. Because of that, in spite of the depression and sense of hopelessness that I battle nearly everyday, I choose to act on what I believe to be true.
I realize how much of a pity - party this sounds like. I am involved in ministry. I don't want to minimize the things I do in the church that are done to further the cause of Christ. (My heart's desire IS to further the cause of Christ.) I also realize that trying to explain or describe the source of my discontent is almost impossible. People close to me; those who love me and have every intention of trying to be an encouragement seem to wonder why I struggle with depression and a sense of failure. They point to what they see as successful and fruitful ministry. Again, I don't mean to denigrate or minimize the ministry I've been involved in, it's just that there is, at this point in my life an overwhelming sense of loss and defeat.
Crushing financial bondage, debilitating physical illness, and a constant struggle with depression has left me numb. I seldom "feel" hopeful about my future. One who reads this post may wonder how it is that I am still involved in ministry. Each day, I choose to act on that which I really do believe to be true. I MUST, at the end of the day, confess that which Habakkuk did:
If the fig tree never blossoms; if the vines produce no fruit; if the stalls hold no cattle; if the olive tree is barren, and if there is no food in the field...yet I will rejoice in the Lord. When dreams fade away and one is forced by reality to seek a different way, those are hard, hard concepts to process. But because I DO believe and therefore proclaim that the Bible IS true and therefore the God of the Bible is who He says He is perhaps there is still hope that He would once again use me to bear much fruit. While the things I thought would come to pass have not perhaps there are things ahead that will be my deliverance from my sense of pervasive failure.
