RAW and BRUTALLY HONEST...thoughts on depression, p2

"Choose for yourselves this day...

...whom you will serve...

...As for me and my house...

...we will serve the Lord.

Joshua 24:15 NKJV 

Of late, how many times has "choice" been part of conversations about most any topic one would want to discuss in American culture? We have "rights," right? (Yes, I meant to use the word twice...for emphasis...) We must exercise our basic right to choose, right? We can choose where to eat, what to eat (except in New York where you can't buy a large soda...oh, I forgot, folks kicked that to the curb because it did away with one's ability to choose.) We can choose our heath care...not...we can choose our religion and we can choose whether or not to murder a baby...so just leave me alone because I have the right to choose!

There IS one choice that we have for sure and the choice we make determines where we'll spend eternity. I think that trumps every other choice. A lot of folks believe in "free will" but I choose not to open that can of worms. All I’ll say about it is this, if you KNOW the facts about God’s will, revealed only in His Word and through His Spirit, does it make any sense to make choices without figuring out what His will is?

The point of my last post, (Thoughts on depression; part 1) was that God’s Word is that which helped me make choices that enabled me to function (survive) and even thrive in the very middle of depression. Had God not been faithful to teach me for the years, before the times of depression came, I can’t say what condition I would be in today. Again, though, He WAS faithful! His faithfulness allowed me to make the decision to follow Him and obey all that He had asked of me even though the days and weeks were often overcast with storm clouds. And btw, not only WAS He faithful, He IS faithful!

I will share briefly three issues that have, in part, been issues that have caused my depression. I have never talked about these in depth in any blog. Talking about them privately or in a very small group is one thing, but to be so brutally honest and gut wrenching raw is quite another. I only share them now, even at the risk of misunderstanding, because maybe someone else will be encouraged.

Crushing defeat –

I accepted the call to pastor my second church with an absolute assurance that I was in God’s perfect will. I think I could safely include most of those who made “the call” in those who also believed we were in God’s will. The weeks and months following my move seemed to confirm out choices. The church grew and we were able to expand our ministry outreach. We made plans to move from the churches’ original location for reasons that seemed to be right. Within a few months after our move, things began to change. After 3 years and 10 months the church closed.

I was devastated. On the advice of “friends” we gave up. The assets were liquidated and our state charter was canceled. I don’t suppose anyone who has not been a pastor and had a church which once thrived to collapse and close could understand the heartache and sense of defeat. I felt betrayed, misunderstood, and isolated.

Honestly, I have never fully recovered. I often feel embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. Oh, I know, I’ve heard all of the responses one could hear and I believe them. But, in spite of my sense of utter failure, I choose to press on and proclaim that which I know to be true – God’s Word.

Poor Health -

Over the years my health has declined. So much so, that unless the Lord would heal me (and I DO believe in Devine healing, I will never be able to pastor another church. I left my third and last church in 1995. I have prayed earnestly for one more chance to do that which I believed God called me. For 19 years I have prayed for one more chance…and now, at 58, it seems too late to be called to a church as pastor.

As I said, this is brutally honest and absolutely raw. I don’t allow comments on my blogs and I’m especially glad particularly for this post. Again, I’ve heard all the things that are meant to bring encouragement but sometimes folks feel obligated to say something…I’m not looking for any response. I hope no one feels obligated to offer sympathy! I just want to share my heart in hopes of helping others who have broken dreams.

What does one do when hopes and dreams are not only shattered, but broken into pieces and blown into the winds of time?

A dynamic faith in God and His Word is believed IN and acted ON regardless of whether great disappointment and illness sometimes sucks the hope of an abundant life away with fury

.

Financial issues –

Wrong career choices, poor health, and failure to plan effectively by looking somewhat further ahead can leave one in dire financial straits. When God’s will is sought in earnest about choices that affect not just vocation but ministry and one feels like they are without question, in God’s will, to have those choices backfire, one can feel like they’re in the middle of a crash and burn situation. When there is no end in sight to financial crises that threaten to suck the very joy of living out of our heart, what does one do? What can one do?

Because I have learned what the Bible says about what God requires in the stewardship of one’s finances, we choose to be faithful in tithing and giving of finances in accordance to Scripture. It doesn’t matter if God never sees fit to “bless us” in a way that I pray for…His Word directs us in our giving. Is there discouragement? Yes. I can testify that our “needs” seem to always be met. Are there still days when the pressure to find a way to do other things so that peace of mind would come in financial issues? Yes, without question.

As I said, because I made a choice a long time ago to believe in, trust, and obey the Bible, I press on believing that miracles do exist and that perhaps I will see one of them.

It’s all about choice. Regardless of what we feel, where we find ourselves or the troublesome storm that lies in the horizon we can end with where I started –

In God’s Word. NONE of His promises has ever failed!

Are you discouraged? So much so that you’re also depressed?

Learn God’s Word, so that a choice can be made.

He wants to use you even in the midst of what seems like darkness!

I made it through some tough times. I think I’m on the other side of it.

 The temptation to be hopeless has been set aside by my faith and trust in a faithful, loving, gracious, and merciful God! That IS hope!

Don't despair! 

Depression; A Condition. Hope; THE Way out! Thoughts on Robin Williams -

A few days ago, the news broke the story about Robin Williams committing suicide. It was reported that he had suffered with severe depression. Medical and non - medical analysts have attributed several things they feel may have caused or contributed to his suicide. While I used him in this post's headline, I have no intention of making additional comments about him personally. I do want to share some things about another topic that arose as a result of Williams' death; that is, suicide in general. One website claims that nearly 30K people take their own lives each year. Some have suggested that suicide should have more attention in the media and perhaps persons who are extremely depressed would be encouraged to seek help.

Let me share just a piece of my story.

Depression is real. I know, I've struggled with depression for a long time. I've used the word "struggled." I suppose there are several synonyms I could have used. But I have struggled.

I seldom talk about it. There are a lot of reasons why I don't. This blog post is a risky entry. I fear what people will think and say when they find out that I have been severely depressed in the past.

In fact, this is the first time in several years that I have shared the link to my blog. Even though I write in a public forum, I know that many will misunderstand and I may be tempted to assume a defensive posture knowing full well that I may not be able to provide explanation for what I say. Sometimes I write and don't understand it myself...but...I risk my heart in hopes of sharing something that would help someone else. If you do take the time to read other posts, you may not understand my heart. I hope you do!

Questions often accompany transparency especially regarding why a Christian (and one involved in ministry) would be depressed. I have been told more times than I can remember that hidden and unconfessed sin is the only reason any Christian would be depressed, As one may imagine, those kinds of explanations (under the disguise of advice and counsel) only serve to send the heart into yet another downward spiral. I have spent hours, as a result, with a heavy heart, begging God to forgive me for something...anything...but particularly for things (yes, "things" means sin) that I committed years ago. When my friends shared with me "in love" that I was oppressed and DE-pressed because of sin, I felt chained to my past. I know, I've heard this: "When the devil reminds you of your past, remind HIM of his future." I believed I was forgiven. But way too often I couldn't feel forgiven.

Another reason I would rather not discuss the issues is because of another question. "Well, what on earth would you be depressed about?" To my knowledge, I seldom tried to answer that. I didn't know why I was depressed.  No reason I would give, when I chose to at least try to answer it, would keep people from  scratching their heads. When you're hurting, how can you actually describe something that you yourself cannot see much less help someone else to see? That is an exercise in futility.

Health, age, unfulfilled dreams...all of these, separate or bunched together and in varying degrees seem to have contributed to my depression.

So, what was my way of escape.

Always, in every case, and every day, God's word was my source of hope for salvation, healing and deliverance.

Somewhere on the net, there exists an account of an encounter with God that I had during a time when I was seeking him with all my heart. I won't share it here, but God asked me some questions just as surely as I'm alive right now typing this post. I have had precious few encounters with the Lord where I could claim that "He really did" speak to me. But on this occasion, and in His grace and mercy, He challenged me to seek Him, His Word and His Spirit as did Jeremiah and the Emmaus Road disciples did. He asked me why I had never asked Him to DO for me what He had done to Jeremiah and the two disciples we read about in Luke 24.

I cried out with as much passion and sincerity as I had within me. He kept His Word! He taught me; opened doors for me to share what He had taught,.and set my ministry on solid foundation for years to come. Then came the depression...

It was after my supernatural encounter with God, after He began to teach me deep things, that I committed to reading the Bible through the rest of my life. I have kept that commitment. There have been days when I could barely get out of the house. Some days I didn't. I wanted to withdraw from any contact. There have been times when I could not see God working in my life, or feel His presence...

...except...

when I had His Word on my lap reading, praying, and learning what it meant to push forward BECAUSE of HIS WORD!

Each day, regardless of how I felt, I could finish my Bible study time with a very conscious and deliberate action. I would choose to obey His Word and simply refuse to be defeated.

I never stopped sharing that there IS hope in the Lord because in my heart I settled this a long time ago  - His Word is absolute truth; a truth I could always depend on. 

That's why I am so passionate and persistent about asking (and sometimes pleading with) people to read, study, and learn God's Word. HE IS FAITHFUL! Then, when trouble comes, especially emotional trouble, you too can just make a choice...it's just that simple. Choose to trust in HIM and His word regardless of whether you feel the world is falling apart or not...make a choice. Believe and obey. Be faithful, because HE IS.

There IS a way out of depression!

There is so much more to say...I'll close for now. But listen...again,

There IS a way out of depression!