2015. Bring it on...

2015. At the time of this writing, a new year is exactly six hours away. At this same time last “new year,” if I had decided to blog the event, would not have revealed anything different than what I am about to “blog” tonight, December 31, 2014. What I would have written would be that which has erupted from my heart every year for well over a decade. The elusive dreams for a future that seems increasingly out of reach.

A few days ago, I posed a question on Facebook. “If hope is all one has, is hope enough?” I think that it is – hope is enough to keep dreaming. In spite of having no visible signs that the dreams in my heat are viable and worthy of hope, hope hangs on.

I’ve talked about them – the dreams – a lot in the past. In fact, in one way or another, those dreams and the disappointment(s) I’ve felt as a result of not seeing them fulfilled has dominated my writing. Tonight, just hours away from a new year, I want to actually share some of the dreams for which I hope.

I’ve always wanted to write. (You may be thinking that, after reading my blogs over the years, I should hope for something a little more attainable, tongue – in – cheek!) To date, I have completed two projects. One was self – published a few years ago, with the help of a friend. The second is a training guide for a t – shirt project I feel the Lord gave me a long time ago. It needs to be professionally edited. Both, I hope one day, will be published by a major company.

I am currently working on a novel called Salvation in the City. I not only would like this project to be professionally edited and published but someday turned into a screen play and movie.

That’s all, right? No, a 1000 times no! I also believe that when I was in first grade, a vision of sharing the gospel all over the world came to me. Part of the fire in my heart is fueled by a desire to pastor a church. God was so gracious to me and allowed me to pastor three churches. I could write volumes on the mistakes I made but the point is, for this post, that I am convinced that God will one day give me one more chance to lead a group of people that believe they (we) can win the world.

There are so many things I could talk about that I hope a new church would embrace from the Scriptures but there are also things that I hope the church could discard that actually serve to cloak the Gospel. (That part of the “list” will have to be saved for another post!)

Age and its accompanying health concerns seem to be increasingly large barriers to seeing my dreams come to pass, but I defer to my opening lines…

I continue to hope…and for now at least, hope is enough!

2015. Bring it on…

RAW and BRUTALLY HONEST...thoughts on depression, p2

"Choose for yourselves this day...

...whom you will serve...

...As for me and my house...

...we will serve the Lord.

Joshua 24:15 NKJV 

Of late, how many times has "choice" been part of conversations about most any topic one would want to discuss in American culture? We have "rights," right? (Yes, I meant to use the word twice...for emphasis...) We must exercise our basic right to choose, right? We can choose where to eat, what to eat (except in New York where you can't buy a large soda...oh, I forgot, folks kicked that to the curb because it did away with one's ability to choose.) We can choose our heath care...not...we can choose our religion and we can choose whether or not to murder a baby...so just leave me alone because I have the right to choose!

There IS one choice that we have for sure and the choice we make determines where we'll spend eternity. I think that trumps every other choice. A lot of folks believe in "free will" but I choose not to open that can of worms. All I’ll say about it is this, if you KNOW the facts about God’s will, revealed only in His Word and through His Spirit, does it make any sense to make choices without figuring out what His will is?

The point of my last post, (Thoughts on depression; part 1) was that God’s Word is that which helped me make choices that enabled me to function (survive) and even thrive in the very middle of depression. Had God not been faithful to teach me for the years, before the times of depression came, I can’t say what condition I would be in today. Again, though, He WAS faithful! His faithfulness allowed me to make the decision to follow Him and obey all that He had asked of me even though the days and weeks were often overcast with storm clouds. And btw, not only WAS He faithful, He IS faithful!

I will share briefly three issues that have, in part, been issues that have caused my depression. I have never talked about these in depth in any blog. Talking about them privately or in a very small group is one thing, but to be so brutally honest and gut wrenching raw is quite another. I only share them now, even at the risk of misunderstanding, because maybe someone else will be encouraged.

Crushing defeat –

I accepted the call to pastor my second church with an absolute assurance that I was in God’s perfect will. I think I could safely include most of those who made “the call” in those who also believed we were in God’s will. The weeks and months following my move seemed to confirm out choices. The church grew and we were able to expand our ministry outreach. We made plans to move from the churches’ original location for reasons that seemed to be right. Within a few months after our move, things began to change. After 3 years and 10 months the church closed.

I was devastated. On the advice of “friends” we gave up. The assets were liquidated and our state charter was canceled. I don’t suppose anyone who has not been a pastor and had a church which once thrived to collapse and close could understand the heartache and sense of defeat. I felt betrayed, misunderstood, and isolated.

Honestly, I have never fully recovered. I often feel embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty. Oh, I know, I’ve heard all of the responses one could hear and I believe them. But, in spite of my sense of utter failure, I choose to press on and proclaim that which I know to be true – God’s Word.

Poor Health -

Over the years my health has declined. So much so, that unless the Lord would heal me (and I DO believe in Devine healing, I will never be able to pastor another church. I left my third and last church in 1995. I have prayed earnestly for one more chance to do that which I believed God called me. For 19 years I have prayed for one more chance…and now, at 58, it seems too late to be called to a church as pastor.

As I said, this is brutally honest and absolutely raw. I don’t allow comments on my blogs and I’m especially glad particularly for this post. Again, I’ve heard all the things that are meant to bring encouragement but sometimes folks feel obligated to say something…I’m not looking for any response. I hope no one feels obligated to offer sympathy! I just want to share my heart in hopes of helping others who have broken dreams.

What does one do when hopes and dreams are not only shattered, but broken into pieces and blown into the winds of time?

A dynamic faith in God and His Word is believed IN and acted ON regardless of whether great disappointment and illness sometimes sucks the hope of an abundant life away with fury

.

Financial issues –

Wrong career choices, poor health, and failure to plan effectively by looking somewhat further ahead can leave one in dire financial straits. When God’s will is sought in earnest about choices that affect not just vocation but ministry and one feels like they are without question, in God’s will, to have those choices backfire, one can feel like they’re in the middle of a crash and burn situation. When there is no end in sight to financial crises that threaten to suck the very joy of living out of our heart, what does one do? What can one do?

Because I have learned what the Bible says about what God requires in the stewardship of one’s finances, we choose to be faithful in tithing and giving of finances in accordance to Scripture. It doesn’t matter if God never sees fit to “bless us” in a way that I pray for…His Word directs us in our giving. Is there discouragement? Yes. I can testify that our “needs” seem to always be met. Are there still days when the pressure to find a way to do other things so that peace of mind would come in financial issues? Yes, without question.

As I said, because I made a choice a long time ago to believe in, trust, and obey the Bible, I press on believing that miracles do exist and that perhaps I will see one of them.

It’s all about choice. Regardless of what we feel, where we find ourselves or the troublesome storm that lies in the horizon we can end with where I started –

In God’s Word. NONE of His promises has ever failed!

Are you discouraged? So much so that you’re also depressed?

Learn God’s Word, so that a choice can be made.

He wants to use you even in the midst of what seems like darkness!

I made it through some tough times. I think I’m on the other side of it.

 The temptation to be hopeless has been set aside by my faith and trust in a faithful, loving, gracious, and merciful God! That IS hope!

Don't despair! 

Depression; A Condition. Hope; THE Way out! Thoughts on Robin Williams -

A few days ago, the news broke the story about Robin Williams committing suicide. It was reported that he had suffered with severe depression. Medical and non - medical analysts have attributed several things they feel may have caused or contributed to his suicide. While I used him in this post's headline, I have no intention of making additional comments about him personally. I do want to share some things about another topic that arose as a result of Williams' death; that is, suicide in general. One website claims that nearly 30K people take their own lives each year. Some have suggested that suicide should have more attention in the media and perhaps persons who are extremely depressed would be encouraged to seek help.

Let me share just a piece of my story.

Depression is real. I know, I've struggled with depression for a long time. I've used the word "struggled." I suppose there are several synonyms I could have used. But I have struggled.

I seldom talk about it. There are a lot of reasons why I don't. This blog post is a risky entry. I fear what people will think and say when they find out that I have been severely depressed in the past.

In fact, this is the first time in several years that I have shared the link to my blog. Even though I write in a public forum, I know that many will misunderstand and I may be tempted to assume a defensive posture knowing full well that I may not be able to provide explanation for what I say. Sometimes I write and don't understand it myself...but...I risk my heart in hopes of sharing something that would help someone else. If you do take the time to read other posts, you may not understand my heart. I hope you do!

Questions often accompany transparency especially regarding why a Christian (and one involved in ministry) would be depressed. I have been told more times than I can remember that hidden and unconfessed sin is the only reason any Christian would be depressed, As one may imagine, those kinds of explanations (under the disguise of advice and counsel) only serve to send the heart into yet another downward spiral. I have spent hours, as a result, with a heavy heart, begging God to forgive me for something...anything...but particularly for things (yes, "things" means sin) that I committed years ago. When my friends shared with me "in love" that I was oppressed and DE-pressed because of sin, I felt chained to my past. I know, I've heard this: "When the devil reminds you of your past, remind HIM of his future." I believed I was forgiven. But way too often I couldn't feel forgiven.

Another reason I would rather not discuss the issues is because of another question. "Well, what on earth would you be depressed about?" To my knowledge, I seldom tried to answer that. I didn't know why I was depressed.  No reason I would give, when I chose to at least try to answer it, would keep people from  scratching their heads. When you're hurting, how can you actually describe something that you yourself cannot see much less help someone else to see? That is an exercise in futility.

Health, age, unfulfilled dreams...all of these, separate or bunched together and in varying degrees seem to have contributed to my depression.

So, what was my way of escape.

Always, in every case, and every day, God's word was my source of hope for salvation, healing and deliverance.

Somewhere on the net, there exists an account of an encounter with God that I had during a time when I was seeking him with all my heart. I won't share it here, but God asked me some questions just as surely as I'm alive right now typing this post. I have had precious few encounters with the Lord where I could claim that "He really did" speak to me. But on this occasion, and in His grace and mercy, He challenged me to seek Him, His Word and His Spirit as did Jeremiah and the Emmaus Road disciples did. He asked me why I had never asked Him to DO for me what He had done to Jeremiah and the two disciples we read about in Luke 24.

I cried out with as much passion and sincerity as I had within me. He kept His Word! He taught me; opened doors for me to share what He had taught,.and set my ministry on solid foundation for years to come. Then came the depression...

It was after my supernatural encounter with God, after He began to teach me deep things, that I committed to reading the Bible through the rest of my life. I have kept that commitment. There have been days when I could barely get out of the house. Some days I didn't. I wanted to withdraw from any contact. There have been times when I could not see God working in my life, or feel His presence...

...except...

when I had His Word on my lap reading, praying, and learning what it meant to push forward BECAUSE of HIS WORD!

Each day, regardless of how I felt, I could finish my Bible study time with a very conscious and deliberate action. I would choose to obey His Word and simply refuse to be defeated.

I never stopped sharing that there IS hope in the Lord because in my heart I settled this a long time ago  - His Word is absolute truth; a truth I could always depend on. 

That's why I am so passionate and persistent about asking (and sometimes pleading with) people to read, study, and learn God's Word. HE IS FAITHFUL! Then, when trouble comes, especially emotional trouble, you too can just make a choice...it's just that simple. Choose to trust in HIM and His word regardless of whether you feel the world is falling apart or not...make a choice. Believe and obey. Be faithful, because HE IS.

There IS a way out of depression!

There is so much more to say...I'll close for now. But listen...again,

There IS a way out of depression!

Dreams...they're good while they last...

It can be tough when reality sets in...

A few days ago, on May 17, (2014)  I pulled the plug on my website, thewindstorm.org. Today is May 23rd. It's taken me a few days to figure out exactly what I'm feeling about a lot of things. As of today, I am still not sure what I feel, but didn't want this blog to lie in "draft" mode forever.

My tri-annual web hosting fee was due on May 20th. I didn't have the money to renew it. I spent quite a number of days trying to find a way to pay the fee and keep my web site on line. I knew that it was an exercise in futility. After nearly fifteen years, and after coming to terms with the fact that, as far as I know, there was little or no impact made by having the site, it seemed that the wisdom that prevailed was to let it go.

The whole idea of Windstorm Ministries came during my first pastoral role. Sometime in 1985 the Lord opened doors for me to hold many different types of meetings in the Midwestern and Southern parts of the country. While sitting in the sanctuary of the church I led, and after praying for a biblical name for the ministry that I felt blessed with I ran across Acts 2:2.

"Suddenly, there was a sound from heaven like the roaring of a mighty windstorm, and it filled the house where they were sitting" (NLT).

That was it! I wanted the Lord to use me like a Windstorm - to see people's lives changed in, by, and through the Gospel. Throughout my ministry in Missouri from 1984 - 1988, I believed the Lord's blessing was on that ministry - that the "Windstorm" had just begun..

I moved back to Ohio in 1988. Nearly ten years passed before another sense of extraordinary ministry came. In 1998 I took the ministry on line. I've recounted the story so many times. I conducted an online Bible study ministry and by 2004 was sending close to 1800 Bible studies to young men all over the world.

Ten years later, there seems to be no visible evidence of any impact made during those early years. I am taking into account that "visible" could be an operative word. Just because I haven't seen anything in a long, long time that would indicate that I have a viable ministry doesn't mean that maybe...just maybe there have been fruit bearing events. I just don't know.

I had a minister spread the word once that "my" ministry wasn't viable. Perhaps he was right. It's been months, and now, actually, a few years since I've actually sensed God's work in my life. I DO rejoice however because He HAS taught me over the years and it seems He is still revealing Himself in His Word. Because of that, in spite of the depression and sense of hopelessness that I battle nearly everyday, I choose to act on what I believe to be true.

I realize how much of a pity - party this sounds like. I am involved in ministry. I don't want to minimize the things I do in the church that are done to further the cause of Christ. (My heart's desire IS to further the cause of Christ.) I also realize that trying to explain or describe the source of my discontent is almost impossible. People close to me; those who love me and have every intention of trying to be an encouragement seem to wonder why I struggle with depression and a sense of failure. They point to what they see as successful and fruitful ministry. Again, I don't mean to denigrate or minimize the ministry I've been involved in, it's just that there is, at this point in my life an overwhelming sense of loss and defeat.

Crushing financial bondage, debilitating physical illness, and a constant struggle with depression has left me numb. I seldom "feel" hopeful about my future. One who reads this post may wonder how it is that I am still involved in ministry. Each day,  I choose to act on that which I really do believe to be true. I MUST, at the end of the day, confess that which Habakkuk did:

If the fig tree never blossoms; if the vines produce no fruit; if the stalls hold no cattle; if the olive tree is barren, and if there is no food in the field...yet I will rejoice in the Lord. When dreams fade away and one is forced by reality to seek a different way, those are hard, hard concepts to process. But because I DO believe and therefore proclaim that the Bible IS true and therefore the God of the Bible is who He says He is perhaps there is still hope that He would once again use me to bear much fruit. While the things I thought would come to pass have not perhaps there are things ahead that will be my deliverance from my sense of pervasive failure. 

Is the Bible really important?

I am asking myself this question today, "Is the Bible really vital 

to our understanding of what it means to be a "Christ - follower?"

I am fairly certain that if I polled those that claim to be Christians in my "circle" of friends, they would all say with quite the level of enthusiasm, "YES!" Of course a question like that, and the answer that most would provide would also more than likely lead to other questions and perhaps a variety of answers. Some of the answers may even reveal opposing viewpoints.

You may wonder how this fits in to my "waiting - on - my - dreams - and - visions - to - be - revealed" theme that I started in my last post. Simply, I am looking forward to the day when the American church looks more like the church that has been painted first as a prophetic image, (a forward looking shadowy model, type, or archetype that has been) provided in the Old Testament but revealed in all its beauty in the New Testament. The Church of God revealed in Scripture is a masterpiece. The church revealed in post - modern American culture is a caricature - nearly unrecognizable if one holds it up against what is revealed in Scripture...

Having said that, I am looking for the day when we see such things as -

• a lot of people being born again as opposed to merely assimilating into the life of a local congregation. (Assimilation is nothing more than a buzz word that says to a person, "Come and be part of our programs, give money and time to support various causes, and begin to look and act like we do.") Rarely in today's church do we hear talk of sin, it's root, it's fruit, and it's remedy.
• persons connecting with and fleshing out (literally) the commands of Jesus particularly those that are necessary to undertake HIS mission.
• a ravenous hunger to read, study, and practically apply the Scriptures. (And, for the church to view the Bible as the very words of God.)
• the church, in love and passionate persistence, reeking havoc in satan's domain by winning those trapped in and shredded by false religion to a biblical love for and trust in the Jesus of the Bible!
• widespread and physical healing by Divine power.
• the spirit of anti - christ overwhelmed by THE Spirit of Christ working in and through the Church of God.
• men, especially young men willing to pay any price, go anywhere, do anything, to go on the offensive and storm the gates of hell for the express purpose of taking back prisoners of war imprisoned by the devil's lies. 
• the church lifting up true praise and worship to God in, by, and through lives lived in praise: the praise which is revealed in Scripture. (This true worship and praise has little and often nothing to do with the foolishness that goes on in most churches in corporate settings.)

These are some of my hopes and dreams...

Of dreams and visions...again!

Over the course of the past few weeks it seems I have had the opportunity to read a few more blogs than usual. (I have so many other reading projects going it seems I don't take time to read the blogs - even those to which I've subscribed.) 

Most of the blogs I read are very well crafted and contain helpful insights, unique teaching elements, positive reinforcement for one thing or another; perhaps even deep theological musings. Last but not least, they sometimes contain gripes and grumbles pointed at someone or something.

As I've reflected on the blogs with which I am familiar, I've noticed that many of them have also gone viral. That whole thought process is odd because while I want people to know what I believe and what I think about what I believe, I don't, at the same time, feel like promoting the very place where folks could understand those things that generate passion for me. I don't want to promote my blog and yet I want folks to read about things that impact me and that generate passion in me. 

Crazy huh? Yea, I know!

Over the years I've shared many, many times about my hopes and dreams and that I felt that some of those dreams were "on the verge" of coming true and being fulfilled. I've also shared that the dreams I have, I believe, came from God; that's why I can't give up on them. From time to time I have been what I call "satirically" critical of the church as it moves further and further away from the church we find in the Bible. (Some folks, perhaps even a lot of folks, would characterize my musings as sarcasm...lol...however, I still think that what I say about the silly things the church does in it's arrogance and pride,  is satirical and sardonic.) 

I have often written about my disappointment(s), failures, fears, doubts, and weaknesses. 

Having said all of that, I write blogs because I love to write. I have always dreamed of writing and being published even though I have all these conflicted and contradictory thoughts and feelings about being open and vulnerable. With this entry I am going to spend some time recapping some of the things I feel the Lord has taught me which have been and are the root and foundation of my dreams.

I have started so many writing projects. I have yet to finish any of them save a book that became a blog...(yep, there are still a couple of places out there in the cloud...). A few weeks ago I met with a friend who encouraged me to get a stick-to-it attitude about my latest project. 

For the past ten days or so I have been able to write around 1500 words per day on a novel about human trafficking and other issues that bring suffering to our world. Honestly, it's not hard for me to write a relatively high number of pages each day, or, to write a story about any number of topics that speak about religious and cultural themes that I have studied and thought much about. The scary part is - will I, or, can I be published. My work will be in vain if I do not find an outlet to get this "dream" into the hands of people who will be blessed by it...so...while I am working feverishly to finish a quality fictional drama, I am still in dream stage wondering if God will bless this work. And, if you want to hear something even more outrageous...I am even dreaming about a movie deal.

I've taken leave of my senses...